The INNER Eel

Log of Dreams 

13 June 2022

I was having the usual pains in my leg from arthritis.  Some of the tendons in my left leg were bothering me around the knee-cap and below.  Sort of a tightening pain that caused me to rub both above and below my knee with both hands.  

While massaging the area I was paying closer attention to my left leg and I saw these snake like writhings going on – up and down and around my leg from the knee-cap to the ankle, then from the ankle to the hip.  Like snakes or eels under the skin searching for a way out.  Periodically there would be an emergence of an eel-like head – right out of the skin.  It would open its mouth and close it again and, disappearing back into the leg and begin its circulation through the leg.  It had circular rows of teeth much like the creatures in the movie Tremors or the book Dune.  Repeatedly I tried to grab on to one of these eels as its head emerged.  

Glinda was there and she was encouraging me on.  Finally, I grabbed on to one.  Losing my grip two times, it went back below the surface but emerged again as if taunting me to try again.  Eventually, I decided I would concentrate all of my strength and the focus of my arms’ pulling right into the one hand that had a grip on the eel.  

I managed to grab one good.  I held the hand that had the eel firm with the other hand at the wrist.  Instead of yanking or tugging quickly, I kept the pressure on and pulled more slowly, but consistently.  I managed to pull the entire creature out of my leg.  I could feel it being pulled out of me from above my hip, down to the exit wound, with a tail like end moving through the lower portion of my leg as well.  

It was about 6 – 8 feet long and looked like a prehistoric creature.  An eel, but sometimes looking like a dank and lugubrious root that had been pulled out of a swamp.  When it was finally out, there was a huge round egg on the end of its tail.  The egg was the size of a softball and was white. 

The color of the eel was a muddy green brown and gold.  The open wound in my leg was fairly large, it did not hurt, but it lay splayed open with muscle exposed.  I remember thinking, “It looks just like ham.”  After a few hours of walking around with it agape, I decided to push it all back into place an it healed instantly.

The eel I threw off of a high cliff precipice that appeared as I was walking about.  I felt relief at having rid myself of it.  I did not see it dead, but I just knew it had crashed to the ground and smashed its head.  An inner knowing.

And My Boat

“O God, Thy sea is so great and my boat is so small.”

- Breton Fisher Man’s Prayer

This quote is such a good reminder of the infinite depths of the psyche and the unconscious in us. We only see / feel / experience a small snapshot of the vast ocean of life at any one given moment in time. 

Our dreams, while much more languid and perceptive, are only an iota of the miasma and great void of who we are.  However, dreaming and dreamtime are able to suspend judgment enough to maintain opposing images in one life and the aperture through which it peers.

Getting lost on the ocean of the divine; with no clutching of riches and worth for meaning is the broken open surrender life demands and expects of the soul coaxed out of its slumber.

The Wild is the soul’s playground.

Slaking Grief’s Thirst

This poem, ELIXIR, was written at the time of our loss of our little girl, Zoe Alexandra, in-utero five months before birth.  We had tried to conceive for years.  We had succeeded with support of IVF.

This loss began a subterranean journey into adulthood via the dark road of loss. It is the journey we all take and do well to honor by acknowledging its presence CONSCIOUSLY.   The painting is a recent painting of one I did at the time of the loss and dream in 1995.

In the dream - and thus the painting - there were three jello like liquids in a yellow refrigerator that I opened.  One was yellow jello, one was green jello, and one a mercurial silver liquid.  While I was instructed not to drink it in the dream (the silver elixir), I grabbed it and drank it straight down to its dregs.

That was the entrance into the opening of my ability to live with, among, and amid the grief that accompanies rich and quixotic life.  The journey of adulthood entails the needed ability of being able to sustain mutually exclusive emotions and beliefs.

This elixir and this death was the beginning of the Way of Grief - the Conjunction of Opposites.


I know what the silver
elixir was.

The drink I stole and
consumed to slake
my thirst.

It was grief;
and O how it
burned out my soul
and ran through my body,
out of my toes,
onto my sandals.

It came to me
A week ago in a dream
posing as a drink
I was told I should not
drink.

O mercurial elixir,
O burning change.

I know what the silver elixir was.
It was Zoe and the alchemy of
hellish change that has begun.

Retinic Images and Meditation

Some words about blue light, the blue pearl, the blue man and mediation and dreams.

This image - at the end of this quote from Cairn-Space - is a painting I redid recently of my heart's blue light.  It is one image I see on occasion while I meditate.  It is almost the exact same light image I used to see while I was drifting off to sleep as a five and six year old - after staring at the hall-light.

Below is a portion from my book Cairn-Space, from Chapter Eight.  

*********************

"We imagine ourselves seated in a comfortable position. Our palms are

lying open in our lap, one on top of the other. In front of us, we imagine

Jesus. He is also seated in a similar position and His hands are in His lap,

as well.

We imagine that the LORD is seated on a small island, surrounded

by an ocean or great lake. Behind Him is a tall tree of blessing and mirth.

The tree is filled with dazzling jewels We imagine the LORD is iridescent

blue. He radiates great warmth and connection from every pore of His

body. His eyes fixed on our eyes. Everything that radiates from Him,

radiates into us. We receive from Him all that He exudes. We imagine

Him also in our heart.

From our seated place we bow before Him. Touching our forehead

to the ground in humility and obeisance, we prostrate before Him. We

sit up and gaze on the beauty of the LORD.

We imagine Jesus reaching into the tree and choosing a jewel of

splendid color—perhaps gold. He tells us, “This is my love” and He hands

it to us. He asks us to place it in our heart. We do. We feel its warmth.

He then reaches into the tree and selects a green jewel. He tells us,

“This is my peace.” Again, He hands it to us and we place it in our heart,

feeling its warmth. He does this again and again. He hands us grace,

mercy, understanding, wisdom, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-

control, and adoration. We place them all in our heart and we feel the

presence of these dazzling and brilliant gifts. The gifts of the Master radi-

ate into our every pore and make us like Him. We thank Him.

We then imagine that He is seated in our heart. The one before us

is also within us. As He sits there—in our heart—we imagine that He is

surrounded by all of the gifts He has just given us. We imagine ourselves

reaching into our chest and removing our heart. Holding it up to the

LORD in front of us, we tell Him, “This heart is yours.” We replace our

heart into our chest and bow, again, before Him.

This exercise is not very different from some of the ones that have

come down to us through the history of the Church. In particular,

I am thinking of some of the Sacred Heart of Jesus meditations and

visualizations.

There is a corollary meditation that is similar. In this visualization,

we reach into our heart and take out gifts to offer Jesus. The gifts are the

same, they are the jewels of the spiritual life: grace, mercy, understand-

ing, wisdom, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, and adora-

tion. This time, we offer them to Christ to bless and give back to us. We

go through the imaginings of Him blessing each jewel and giving it back

to us at the end. We place them back into our heart. We thank Him.

What is essential in this visualization practice is the sense of give

and take to and from the mentor deity and the practitioner. Whether we

begin the practice by offering to Jesus, or we begin the practice by Jesus

offering to us it does not matter. What is important is the connection to

Jesus. What is also important is the back and forth nature of the giving

and receiving. We give and we receive; Jesus gives and Jesus receives.

We are giving ourselves and receiving Jesus. Jesus is giving Himself and

receiving us.

This practice, although inspired by the Tibetan Jewel Tree, is a glom

of practices I have utilized in visualization technique from the East and

from the West. The aim is that we see ourselves creating not only a space,

but an attitude from things that we ourselves have within us—things

we have received from God. It elevates our lives and gives us ennobling

qualities to strive for and to build with—all under the watchful eye and

blessing of Jesus.

I love the image of Jesus as blue. Although it has implications from

Eastern practice outside of the Church, there are many references within

the Eastern Christian teachings of finding a blue pearl or blue light with-

in—particularly among the “Pearlers” (Syrian Christian mystics of the

6th and 7th centuries). The “blue man” also appears in the mystic trea-

tises and illuminations of Abbess Hildegard of Bingen from the Western

Medieval Christian Church. The tradition of Hesychasm in Orthodoxy

acknowledges these same images of “sapphire blue” light in prayer. It

is a calming and enriching color that spans many traditions and many

centuries of interior work.

Last summer, my sons and I were taking a daily run. It was a way

of spending time together amid the busy schedule of life at a camp and

retreat center. At the end of the run we would practice a simple workout

routine from a karate school in the United States. Once the routine was

finished, we would sit in meditation for a while. One of the practices that

we would often use in this meditation time was that of the Jewel Tree.

I would verbally walk them through one of the exercises described

above. It gave us a point of departure toward sharing an interior life to-

gether. It was very powerful for us. It opened us to a deeper connection

with Jesus and each other.

This is not the only practice the heart can hold. The heart is deep;

its depths have no end. As with all practices of prayer-space, they are to

lead us to a place of silence and stillness before God.

It should not take much imagination to see the Jewel Tree visu-

alization as an extension of what happens as we sit in stillness anyway.

We have mentioned that in our approaching stillness (after our spiritual

practice) we often see things arise—things that come up from inside us

and make their way out—to the surface of consciousness.

In the Jewel Tree meditation we are simply choosing the things that

arise from within. We could just as easily do the meditation and offer

Jesus the impatience, lust, greed, and other spontaneous arisings that

seek to distract us from stillness.

We could imagine Him blessing the arisings and converting them

to jewels (lust turned to golden appreciation; greed turned to an emerald

openness, etc.) that we place back in our heart. One form is planned and

the other form is spontaneous. This is just like the nature of either direc-

tive or non-directive approaches in therapy. Both take us into the heart.

The heart is the eye of the storm.

•••

The “Pearlers”, as Brian E. Colless calls the Syrian Christian mystics in

his book “the Wisdom of the Pearlers”, spoke often of the image of the

pearl in the spiritual life. The Syriac manuscript of the “Acts of Thomas”

has a hymn embedded in it entitled “The Song of the Pearl” also known

as the “Hymn of the Soul.” The hymn relates a story of a son’s arduous

journey to find a pearl hidden in the depths of the sea.

The son is sent on his journey by his father and mother (a king and

queen). While on the journey, he forgets his mission. He is reminded to

take up his quest to find the pearl in a letter he receives from his father.

The imagery is ripe for spiritual interpretation. As with other

Gnostic hero journeys, there is a palpable feel to the story that reminds

us we are all here on this earth to recover something for our Father.

From this story, Colless weaves a tale of connectivity by translating the

writings of the Syrian Fathers and allowing us to read over and over

again the imagery they use for the kingdom of God—imagery wrapped

around the notion of diving and discovering the elusive pearl within.

The significance of the pearl might be lost on some who have not

entered into the meditative space of the heart. But, for those who have,

they will recognize the visions of light that one discovers after the aris-

ings of mental and emotional imagery have ceased.

Once we have found episodes of stillness and silence within, a very

clear image of interior light appears. The light is often golden and or

iridescent blue. The lights may appear individually or in close proximity

to one another. They may actually emanate from one another. The Syraic

Fathers called this the light of the sun and the sapphire light. It is shaped

like a pearl. It often pulsates or radiates.

The images of the inner pearl are validated over and over again in

the translations of the Pearlers texts. The light within is a joyous reward

for discovering stillness in prayer.

Most of the ascetic athletes “saw” the light as the light of the soul in

the body. They believed that prolonged exposure to this inner light of the

soul would fall away and the believer would eventual see the “Uncreated

Light” of the Energies of God that dwell in all creation. Purification

produces enlightenment: the vision of the light of the soul and God’s

Uncreated Energies.

Exposed to this light within over and over again, it is taught that the

believer will eventually enter complete stillness and silence where there

is no vision of anything. There is only absorption in the Divine.

Although images and impressions of demons are present at the out-

set of the inner journey, and images and impressions of light are present

at the second stage of the inner journey, abolition of images and impres-

sions marks the third stage of the journey. In this final phase of prayer,

there is only Light—formless and all encompassing Light. This Light is

often spoken of as pure blackness. We move from form to the formless.

Joseph the Visionary and John the Venerable remind us, as do the

other Syrian Fathers, that when we approach this stage of prayer, we

become consumed by it. As the merchant who found a pearl buried in a

field and sold all he had to buy the field, we will lay aside all earthly cares

to “purchase” and enter the formless presence of the Light.

It is clear in the texts that we can only pass through this process one

step at a time. The hard work of spiritual practice cannot be replaced.

We must first sit and deal with all that arises so we can move beyond the

arisings into the luminous field of God’s presence beneath the arisings.

Some have classified the journey as moving from the mind into the

heart into the soul and finally into spirit/Spirit. The mind has thought

forms that we must process: memories, thoughts, and ideas. The heart

has emotional forms that we must process: emotions, feelings, and im-

pressions. The soul has drives that we must process: desires, longings,

and hopes. Passing through all of these we are set free to experience the

light of the spirit/Spirit and its source—the Uncreated Energies of God.

The practices enable us to deal with all that arises in these areas and

ultimately achieve a stillness and silence that is truly rest.”

•••

Hildegard of Bingen, born in the twelfth century, had had visions of God

since the age of three. She began writing and then sketching her visions.

The corpus of her work is a bold statement of contemplative freedom and

joy. Her visions were not only filled with Divine images and images of

light, but also of the strains of music and the healing power of herbs. She

went on to produce great pieces of music and tomes of information on

gardens and medicine in addition to her works on the inner journey.

One of the recurring images that appears in her drawings is clearly

of the pearl of the Pearlers. She drew scintillating orbs of light, most

often blue and gold. She also drew images of a “sapphire man”, wrapped

in mandalas of light. Seeing her works and having a basic knowledge of

meditation and the writings of the interior mystics, one cannot believe

this is a coincidence.

There is something about the inner journey that people have expe-

rienced that transcends time and locale. There is a luminous baseline to

the experiences of mystics.

We could consider the imagery Christian if it were not for the fact

that tomes of literature from Shaivism (Shiva devotees) did not also re-

port similar findings. The blue pearl and the blue man are the object of

meditation over and over again in Hindu writings.

This sapphire light and sapphire man, as well as the golden light

seem to appear as a calming manifestation of the Divine presence.

Reports of them have been a harbinger of peace and fondness. They do

not reveal horror or fear. They seem to reveal that some form of purifica-

tion has begun and that the experience of enlightenment is unfolding in

the individual.

Eventually, when we are able to pass through all of the chatter of

the mind and heart, we will find a field within. When we find the field,

we will discover that it holds a pearl of great price. We will be willing to

sell everything we posses to buy that field and obtain the pearl. The more

we have these experiences, the more the sheaths of myelin are wrapped

around the neural pathways of heart-space."

Sometimes, the images, they smoor themselves inside.

Often the images that arise in the dream and immediately upon waking from the dream, soak themselves into memory and soul.  They linger there in degrees of exactness and surety; often fading as time wears on.  Some semblance of what we held and tasted and mingled among is in the lingering.  But often only shadow and lace remain of what first we knew.

Equal of import to the texture of the images themselves are the emotions, intuitions, and stirrings that arise from the calling forth of memory and soul of the dream.  The way we feel and lean into life while calling forth the shadows and lacery of what we once lived.  The impressions and glimpses we hold as we summon - with all our deep cravings -  the bones of our  deep remembrance.

The stuff of dreams and dreamwork are insulated in our "me" the way the embers are in the ancient practice of smooring.  Smooring (to smother) the hearth fires, was to cover the embers of the fire in ash to keep them aglow through the night.  In the morning, when the fires of were needed again, fanning the smoored embers brought them back to flame.

Feel this connection and know that the soul holds all things.  Fan the reams to life and find the flame that once burned brightly.

Dreaming Pop-pop - A storybook helping children with grief

Johnson-Medland & Sons Booksellers releases "DREAMING POP-POP", today. Our first book published by Johnson-Medland & Sons Booksellers.

The book was written through the process of healing with our boys after the loss of my dad 14 years ago. The storybook leads kids through their dreams and feelings of loss; helping them to use journaling and transference objects to make sense of the feelings of being lost in our loss.

From the Site:

Losing loved ones is a difficult part of being human.  We spend our days lauding the many acts of love that enable us to grow closer to each other - we value community and growing in intimacy.

When we lose someone we love we feel the subtle tearing away of the countless bonds between our hearts.  It is not easy to interpret what is going on - even as adults.  Helping children to know what is going on amid grief can feel that much harder.

This simple book talks about a child's dreams, drawings, pictures, memory box and a process of healing that is aided by his parents, a Social Worker, and his school Guidance Counselor.  It reveals a concrete way of looking at the feelings that emerge amid grief and loss by implementing the tools of journaling, gathering of transference objects, and talking things through with those around us.

This book challenges us to remember those we love and integrate our losses with our memories, our feelings, our hopes and our dreams.  Join this child as he implements some rudimentary methods for processing grief.

ORDER HERE:  https://payhip.com/b/AKbz

I Dreamed A Dream: the Place of Dreams in Spiritual Formation and Direction

“I Dreamed A Dream: the Place of Dreams in Spiritual Formation and Direction”

by, Father Dn. N. Thomas Johnson-Medland, CSJ, OSL

The hidden nature of dreams and dreaming in our lives is esoteric – for the most part – because we fail to take the time to sit with them and listen to the value of their content.  Whether it is a lifelong dream and ambition we have or a nighttime visitor to our sleeping consciousness, dreams are vital in revealing our current identity, situation, and our longings for something other.

Countless hours of our lives are spent upon waking trying to remember just beyond the fragment of a notion that we still hold onto from our nighttime visit from a dream. Equal number of hours are spent in our lives trying to remember our lifelong ambitions or hopes and why we feel as if we are no longer on their path. Both of these things have to do with what we call dreams.  Whether they are the sleeping kind or the goal setting kind, I do not believe the path to their integration into our lives is any different. We must sit with our dreams and listen for their content to reveal itself and empower and engage us.

I think everyone has that one dream they are trying to figure out.  What does it mean?  Where did it come from?  Is there something I am missing?  And then, in an instant, we move beyond the notion of discovery and realization by going on to the next thing.  We go and make the coffee or wake the kids.  Leaving our dream in mid-air, like the gossamer wisp it is.  Never to think about it much longer in the future.

There are a couple of ways we can give voice to these dreams that will move us closer to hearing what they are really all about – what they are trying to say.  They are simple pathways that do not take up much time.  But, they do – as with all aspects of formation and direction – require attention and focus.

First, we can simply go through a chronology of the dream in our head and look at all of the pieces of the drama.  Start at the beginning and move through it sequentially.  Think about each of the elements as you pass through the content the first time.  On the second pass through the story, start to ask yourself these questions:

Does any of this make something else in my life more clear?

Do these snapshots of drama mean anything to me?

Are there symbols for my feelings, beliefs, and hopes laid out in front of me here?

How does this make me feel?

Does this feeling speak to where I am in life right now?

What great teachings do I see in the content?

Once you have begun this dialogue you will begin to engage with the content of the dream and even gain access to some of its empowerment to move on.  Some of the content may be disturbing and you do not want to look at it.  But, regardless there is something to be said.  Listen.

At some point it helps the process if instead of thinking about these things, you actually take the time and space to talk out loud to yourself about the process.  Speak the answers to yourself.  It will feel odd at first.  But, it is a dialogue, after all.

Second, you may want to do the same sort of process, but in a journaling format.  Use the same process of sequential review and the same set of questions to write down the components of your dreams and the responses to the dream interview questions.  It will yield a content you can come back to later if you choose to review or reengage the dream.

In either case there will be a listening that goes on that will take the dream into the next phase of consciousness.  It will begin to unpack itself more because you focus your attention on it and it meaning and importance.

Some people will naturally bring up reasons dreams are less important and transient.  They will say that, “I must have eaten something that caused this”.  Or, “I must be getting sick”.  In either case, we must remember that the contents from our dreams come from within us.  They come up and out of us because they are in there to begin with.  They have “something” to say.  We must be bold enough to listen and hear.

Just the last night I had a dream I was out walking with my family in the woods.  Not uncommon since we live in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania.  Both our home and the property we own ten minutes away are in wooded spaces.

At some point we saw three bear cubs (grizzlies – which we do not have here in the Poconos, so their place must have had some metaphoric content to it) playing along the side of the path.  Almost immediately, someone shouted, “There must be a mother.  Run.”  And, we all ran to some makeshift shelter that was just around the bend – one that we all knew was there.

Once inside, I slammed the door shut and held my hands against it with great force as there was no latch or hasp to keep us safe.  The mother grizzly appeared through the crack between the door and the frame.  She was huge and menacing.  Oddly, although she was a grizzly, she and her cubs were as black; black as the night.

I held the door in place with my full weight. The mother grizzly began snorting and sniffing.  She began smelling my hand through the crack.  She stayed there for smelling for some time. 

The room was filled with a great tension and stillness.  It was then that I could begin to smell the strong aroma of garlic and remembered that my hands were coated with the aroma as I had been cracking the paper shells off of garlic cloves and crushing them for our meal just before we left for the walk.

I held my breath.  She then decided to move on and we were no longer in danger.  We gathered ourselves and waited before we left.

The waking life truth is that I had been shelling cloves before I went to bed and my hands did in fact smell of garlic.  But, not for a minute do I believe that that dream was not telling me something. 

Our family has been going through some tough discussions about or black lab Eli these last few days.  Eli, who was not anywhere in the dream at all. 

It did not take me long to realize the connection to the dread decisions we were trying to make about Eli and his ensuing death from cancer.  It was a large and menacing darkness that took us by surprise.

We were clearly grieving and sensing what it would be like without him in our lives.  The garlic became the bridge to the everyday reality.

After years and years of paying attention to dreams and dreaming, I began to notice a shift in my life.  I felt more settled.  I felt more homeostatic in my world.  I noticed that my writing took on more solidity and I began to write poetry.  I found myself more connected to the deeper recesses of my being.

In the craft of dreaming and sitting with the dream, we will find an opening to our identity and the meaning for who we are.  This is particularly critical during times of illness and great transition in our lives.  It is worth the investment to unpack the meaning of the gifts we receive from our inner self – the gift of dreams.

 "If you bring forth what is within you, what you have will save you. If you do not have that within you, what you do not have within you [will] kill you."

The Gospel of Thomas, verse 70